


Laced

by rummyjoe



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Gen, Humor, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-14
Updated: 2001-10-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 03:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rummyjoe/pseuds/rummyjoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never drink red Kool-Aid after 9 PM.  It is a dangerous thing.</p><p>Oh, yeah!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laced

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I am not making money from this endeavor. No infringement intended.

 

The vision hit Cordelia, and she went down like a hooker on Santa Monica  
Boulevard. Wesley and Gunn rushed over to her side as she began to tell them  
the details.

"Kids are crying. Screaming. The thing, he's big and, and red. Kinda round.  
There's this giant grin on his face, like he's happy they're scared." She  
shook her head, as if to clear it of the images. "That's all I got."

"Great," Gunn said. "So we're lookin' for Barney with a dye job. This one  
beats Big Bird by a mile."

"It wasn't Big Bird, you dumbass, and you're not helping any."

"If we had anything to go on, I'd be able to help."

"First you bitch at me to have a vision, then you bitch when I have one.  
Make up your mind!"

Wesley mentally sighed. They argued like this more often of late. It was  
unavoidable. Finally he intervened, helping Cordelia to her feet. "I'm sure  
Gunn is merely frustrated at the Powers. He doesn't mean anything by it.  
Does he?" he asked, looking sternly at Gunn. Gunn stayed silent.

"Why don't you lie down, get some rest? I'm sure Gunn and I can find this  
red demon...thing," Wesley continued. "You can have a look at the books once  
you're feeling up to it, and Fred can help you if she comes downstairs. I'll  
leave my cell phone on, of course. You can contact us if you come across any  
pertinent information, or if you remember anything else."

She nodded and docilely followed him to the couch in his office.

 

x-x-x-x

 

They made their way to the park. It didn't take much effort to find the site  
of the incident. Whatever happened must have happened fairly recently as  
parents were still around comforting their traumatized children.

Wesley approached a woman who seemed to be calm and began questioning her  
about the events. Gunn stood around and wasn't integral to the plot, as  
usual.

"I-- I don't know. It was just so fast. All I saw was a blur of red, and  
then Melly here started screaming, and all of the other children..." The  
blonde woman had to stop and compose herself. "It was just awful."

A man behind them interrupted the interview.

"I know who it was, the one who did this." He sounded shell-shocked. "It  
was--"

"It was what?" Wesley asked eagerly.

"It was the Kool-Aid man."

 

x-x-x-x

 

"Have you gone Looney Toons, Wesley? I knew you were spending too much time  
with Fred."

"You said he was big and red, sort of round with a smile. Ten different eye  
witnesses, interviewed separately, have identified our perpetrator as the  
Kool-Aid man."

"I still think it's crazy," she pouted.

"Way crazy. Crazier than Big Bird on crack." Gunn said.

"Are you ever going to drop that?" Cordelia turned toward the backseat.

Gunn smiled sweetly and prepared to deflect her scrutiny elsewhere.  
"Probably not. So, Wes, what's the K-Man want? Any ideas?"

Wesley got that frustrated look on his face. The one that he got on his face  
when he was frustrated. "None whatsoever. The best we can do is follow that  
tip I got from one of my contacts."

"Since when does Wesley have contacts?"

Damn. She was still focused on him. Time for more direct tactics. "Since he  
decided that having socialite ex-girlfriends was good for business. He's  
gone through, how many is it? Six so far this summer?"

Wesley glared at him as well as he could while he was driving.

"Five," he bit out between clenched teeth.

"You are such a whore," Cordelia threw out as she turned back toward the  
coming scenery.

Gunn smirked and relaxed in the back seat. World War III was beginning in  
the front seat, and, unable to hear most of the insults over the wind, he  
was Switzerland by default. Oh yeah, life was good.

 

x-x-x-x

 

"Well, your ex-skank or whoever was right. Look at those footprints."

A trail of large, rounded footprints meandered through the dirt to a door of  
the warehouse.

Wesley rolled his eyes, sighed, and got that put-upon look on his face. The  
look he got on his face when he felt put-upon.

Gunn came up behind them, like usual, and said, "Let's do it."

 

x-x-x-x

 

"'Let's do it?' Great plan, Gunn."

"It would have been fine if that other guy didn't get the drop on us. How  
was I supposed to know K-Man wasn't working alone?"

"You could have at least tried to put up a fight!"

"How long did you last before you got punched on your ass?"

"That's different. I'm a girl and much smaller than you are."

Wesley couldn't take it any more. Not now.

"Will you two just put a sock in it? The last thing I need to hear before  
I'm drowned in a vat of drugged fruit punch is you two arguing."

The three of them were sitting on the floor, tied together back to back to  
back, in the middle of the warehouse. The Kool-Aid man and that little  
bastard who had foiled their plan were in the corner, arguing.

"The whole point of this exercise is to make people see us as being more  
than our catch phrases or our silent yet distinctive visages, Punchy. It  
defeats the purpose if you insist on going around and saying your catch  
phrase, correct? You perpetuate the stereotype by doing so."

"Uh, I guess so," Punchy replied. "It just--"

"It just what?"

"Well," Punchy continued, "it just seemed right for me to say it. For the  
first time in my life, my catch phrase fit the situation. I couldn't pass  
that up, you know?"

Punchy didn't give the impression of being all that intelligent.

"Whatever. Let's go attend to our guests, shall we?" the Kool-Aid man said  
as he began to make his way over to them.

It took quite some time for the large pitcher to swagger over to them.  
Wesley found himself feeling a little sorry for it, until he remembered  
their situation. Then he went back to being righteously pissy.

"What have we here? Some do-gooders coming to foil our plan?"

"Something like that," Cordelia said, attempting to be brave.

The Kool-Aid man waved his hand, and Punchy pulled some levers in the  
corner. A large hook began to lower itself to them. As it came to a stop,  
Wesley let his curiosity get the better of him.

"Why? Why would you do it? You're beloved by millions. Children practically  
worship you."

"Why?" the Kool-Aid man thundered as he hooked their ropes over the large  
hook. "Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have to break through a  
wall and yell 'Oh yeah!' year after year after pitiful year? As if I'm  
nothing but a trained animal. I am a serious thespian! They made me break  
dance. Did you ever see Captain Crunch break dance? Do those damned Snap,  
Crackle, and Pop have to wear flip flops? No!"

"Jeez, who spiked your punch?" Cordelia interrupted.

The Kool-Aid man leaned over her menacingly and shouted, "I did Mamet off  
Broadway, you imbecile!"

At that instant, Gunn sprang from the now severed ropes.

"I knew watching all those McGuyver reruns would pay off!"

The ensuing battle was spectacular to behold. Gunn found a long pipe and ran  
over to Punchy.

"How about I put a Hawaiian cap in your ass?" he quipped as he gilloolyed  
the spokes... mascot thing.

Wesley swung the giant hook toward the Kool-Aid man, who narrowly dodged it  
before charging in the Englishman's direction.

"Cordelia, Fred said that he must draw his power from the liquid inside him.  
We must find a way to-- oof!"

The Kool-Aid man had tackled Wesley and was attempting to pour some of his  
contents onto him. Cordelia swung the hook through the Kool-Aid man's handle  
and shouted to Gunn.

"Now!"

Gunn pulled the levers Punchy had been operating previously, and the large  
spokes...mascot thing was hoisted into the air, arms and legs flailing in an  
obscenely humourous manner.

 

x-x-x-x

 

After they found some tubing and drained the large pitcher of its contents,  
the gang called the proper authorities. No drugged Kool-Aid coolers would  
make their way into the hands of unsuspecting children and turn them into  
zombies who would crash through walls and shout, "Oh Yeah!"

As the two villains were being led away, the Kool-Aid man shouted, "You  
think we're the only ones? We're not! This reaches further than you can  
imagine!"

His voice disappeared after a policeman pushed him out the door toward the  
transport van.

"Do you think there are others out there like him?" Cordelia asked timidly.

"I don't know Cordelia," Wesley admitted. "The best we can do is be ready,  
be prepared," he stated resolutely as he put his arm around her.

Gunn stood in the back silently and looked motherfucking sexy, like usual.

 

A bald man watched from the shadows, his gold earring winking in the dim  
light.

 

x-x-x-x

 

The gang sat around sipping their Wyler's tropical punch and munching on  
generic potato chips.

"We sure killed that queen deader than dead," Gunn offered.

"Yeah, it was good, wasn't it?" Angel agreed.

It felt great to be back fighting evil with his friends. He walked over to  
the cupboard. The only thing that would make this moment better was a bowl  
of his favorite cereal. Except his favorite cereal wasn't there. In its  
place were boxes of Golden Grahams and Wheaties.

"Hey, what happened to my Lucky Charms?"

"Boy, do we have a story for you," Cordelia replied. "You're gonna wanna sit  
down for this one."


End file.
